Two and a half years ago, having just stepped into my life as a single woman, I remember feeling somewhat lost. Not lost as in… OMG…I can’t cope…what will I do now? I felt lost as in… What is this new place? Surely in this day and age I should not be expected to navigate it without a map or an app or at the very least some key landmarks!
I felt almost euphoric about having made it through the long tunnel that lead to this new life. The sheer relief made me giddy, cocky even, when friends and colleagues inquired as to how it was all going. And yet I still felt an intense longing for the man I had shared most of my life with. I didn’t want the marriage we had walked away from. I just wanted him…the man I’d felt a deep soul-connection to since the day we met. More than anything, I wanted to know when those feelings would become manageable and when they would be gone entirely. I wanted to peer at a diagram or map with an arrow on it, indicating “you are here” at the gate. I wanted to follow the map and know with some level of certainty what I would feel in sixth months, 12 months, two, three, five years. I didn’t need to know what specific events would unfold. I just wanted some assurance that I was making my way through the fog, moving at a reasonable pace away from emotional chaos.
There was no map. But if there was a map, it would show me today, standing in a calm place where I don’t even need a map! And it would show me how I got here. To get here, I had to walk out of that euphoria and fall straight down into intense grief. I had to sit there and live with it. I’ve experienced some losses in my life but had never before felt grief that caused my chest to hurt. I still remember waking up with that pain. It was 5 am on December 31st, 2012. I had to eventually stand up and peer out of it and then take a single step up and out of it. I remember that day, too. It was March 10th, 2013. I went to visit Roger, my ex, and have a 45 minute conversation during which I heard the voice of our collective wisdom, that had brought us to where we were. My chest stopped hurting that day. I still grieved, but the pain wasn’t radiating out from my core anymore. I stopped blanking out on stuff I was normally on top of, and making stupid mistakes at work. I looked better and felt better.
Our family arrived at and seamlessly moved through the first anniversary of our break up. We did the things as a family that we had always done before. Roger and I remained guarded around each other, but worked as a team to parent our children and engage with our extended families. We traveled together to an out of town family wedding. We drove back and forth to our middle son Derek’s university each fall and spring. We attended meetings together at our youngest son Graeme’s school, and with his speech-language pathologist, occupational therapist and his doctor. We copied each other in emails with all those parties. We co-operated with each other around Graeme’s schedule, so each of us could work and still care for him. We fell into step with each other when my father died and gave each other what we needed to participate in the funeral of a man we both loved. We worked together to manage a medication trial for Graeme, taking, recording and sharing data. We approached his school as a team, formally requested one-to-one support for him, and shared the job of making a case for that support. We slept overnight on chairs, side by side, at Graeme’s hospital bedside when he began having seizures last fall.
From time to time, I do see glimpses of the moody jerk I was married to. I still feel an impulse to chase after him during those moments and ask what the problem is. But that didn’t help during our marriage, and I know it won’t help now. Our separation has given us so much. When Roger is feeling irritated and moody, there is no one he has to explain it to, and lucky, lucky me…I get to open the door to my apartment, close it behind me and feel the peace awaiting me. That peace, that safety is sweet. But on many days since our separation, I still felt that old longing, and I still felt I wanted…I don’t know what. Just… more.
This past summer, I definitely turned a corner. Spring had been stormy on many fronts. Graeme had been coming apart for awhile. He was informed in March that a member of the support staff at his school, a man Graeme feels very, very connected to, would be leaving at the end of the school year. Graeme began immediately grieving. He may have become depressed, I’m not really sure. His chronic constipation became acute, resulting in daily abdominal pain. He was missing school. I was missing work. We were both a mess. I began to obsess about the future and how I will earn a living when he ages out of the school system.
On top of all that, there was a major crisis at work, an unprecedented situation, in my 20+ years with this organization. It was barely believable. The non-profit agency I manage had three new board members. One of them turned out to be a very combative woman, who in all likelihood has a personality disorder. She was engaging in all kinds of alarming behavior, sending lengthy email messages that made little sense, with links to government websites which she intended to serve as proof that we were doing everything wrong. At her first board meeting, she declared war on me personally and then called our primary funder, who thankfully picked up on her apparent lack of stability. Our Chairperson and other executives managed the problem, and convinced a majority of the board members to request this woman’s resignation, but not before it got very, very ugly. I was grateful that my board supported me and acted to protect the organization from this woman’s very toxic presence.
The morning after the crisis was resolved, I woke up feeling strangely numb. I went through all the usual motions…drinking coffee, showering, washing the tub, filling it for Graeme’s bath, getting him up and helping him into the tub. Walking around my apartment, I found myself with a piece of hardwood stuck in my foot. It came loose from the floor and was lodged in the fleshy ball of my foot. About 3/8 of an inch thick and 5 inches long, it went into the bottom of my foot and came out again part way and was just stuck there. I gazed quietly at it and thought: Huh. Really?
When you are a mother, you can’t just have a meltdown when you impale your foot on a piece of flooring. I had to get Graeme to school and didn’t see any other alternative, so I used a steak knife to slice through the skin, released the piece of wood and bandaged my foot. It didn’t even hurt.
It’s only in hindsight that I realize I just may have been at my breaking point. But what I did know was that I needed an experience that would inspire, challenge and change me. I needed to let go of the relentless, exhausting, defeating, repetitiveness of getting up everyday, carrying out all the activities that maintain my son Graeme and myself, only to go to bed and get up in the morning and do it all again.
For about a year, I had been thinking of driving through the Canadian Rocky Mountains. I needed it, Graeme needed it. I knew that somehow it would press a reset button in me. I almost lost my nerve. Graeme’s distress was a constant theme. Every day, often two or three times a day, he was banging on the floor of our apartment, banging on the walls and furniture, loudly vocalizing…howling almost. I felt afraid. If I could barely cope with him at home in a familiar environment, why would I put us both in an unfamiliar environment on the other side of the country? Wouldn’t that just be flat-out unwise?
Once again, it was just a matter of taking a single step and leaving that fearful place. I booked our flight from Toronto to Calgary. We needed accommodations with full kitchens as opposed to standard hotel rooms, because Graeme can’t take the pressure of being in a restaurant everyday, so researching and finding suitable, affordable places to stay required a lot of research. That took about a week, and once all those arrangements were in place, I booked our return flight from Vancouver.
We flew out of Toronto on August 3rd. We got our first look at the Rockies about an hour out of Calgary. Graeme was snacking during the drive and completely forgot about the food in his hand when the first mountains appeared. I still remember that moment – I was trying to keep my eyes on the road while taking in the mountains, and loving the expression on Graeme’s face all at the same time. We were on the Trans-Canada Highway and almost immediately a massive black mountain was looming ahead of us. As we got closer, I realized we were driving, in the bright sun, toward a major storm system. Soon we were being pelted with hail stones, with zero visibility. All cars were pulled over on the shoulder to wait out the storm, so I did too. When the storm cleared, we made it to the resort we would stay at for two days before continuing on through the Rockies. Although that was the only major weather-related event we experienced, it seemed to set in motion a continuing cycle of storms we endured together while falling in love over and over again with these massive land forms that take your breath away, surrounded by rivers and lakes that are bluer and more beautiful than anything I’d seen in my entire life.
Enthralled with the mountains, Graeme asked immediately, typing on his iPad, to go up into the mountains. The next day, we rode the gondola up Sulphur Mountain and we stood on a platform at the summit, gazing down on the town of Banff. At one point, I missed a cue that indicated Graeme needed the washroom and all his distressed behaviours kicked in. A group of Japanese tourists stood and watched intently – apparently witnessing an autistic meltdown for the first time? There were no unisex washrooms. I had to escort him into the ladies washroom to pee – what else could I do? We enjoyed the rest of the afternoon on the mountain top and went back to the resort for dinner and a swim.
Next morning, we were on the road to Jasper. Just when we thought we couldn’t love those Rockies more deeply, something new came into sight. The highway took us higher up as we approached Jasper, and we were at eye level with glaciers. Graeme and I had fries and iced tea on a huge spacey terrace at the Columbia Icefield Centre, gazing at the Athabaska Glacier, and Graeme was too full of the experience to even sit down. By early evening, we were settled in Jasper, Alberta. Next day, we hiked for hours through the Maligne Canyon…watching and listening to the rushing water, staring up at rock forms, breathing in the forest. This is what we came for.
Our itinerary included five days in Vancouver, BC which was a gorgeous 9 hour drive from Jasper. We drove through lush, tree covered mountains, along a highway that followed the Thompson River, with colourful freight trains running alongside. Approaching Kamloops, the terrain was drier, with many of the mountains covered in black stubble – the remains of forest fires. We stayed overnight in Kamloops, in a sweet boutique hotel, but the downtown area gave off a distressed vibe. We had to go out for dinner and Graeme was very unhappy. There was a local park I had scouted in advance of our arrival, but I couldn’t calm him enough to take him there. He did settle for sleep and after a stressful breakfast in the hotel dining room, we got the heck out of Kamloops.
An hour out of Kamloops, Graeme was once again falling apart in the back seat of the car. There was no where to stop. No where at all. I kept driving until we reached the little town of Merritt and we pulled into a gas station with a little restaurant. I thought he needed the washroom, but once we got into the washroom, I saw that his hands were shaking and I realized he had not had enough to eat that morning. We got some food into him and made the rest of the beautiful drive to Vancouver with no issues. We easily located the little condo we had rented on Airbnb, returned our rental car, and took the Sky Train back to the condo, carrying a pizza. Graeme spent the rest of the evening on the balcony overlooking a little courtyard.
In the morning, we swam in the onsite pool. But Vancouver didn’t really agree with Graeme. In the Rocky Mountains, he was really in his element. He had no need for another urban setting. I let go of all the plans I had made to see Vancouver and we spent most of our time in Stanley Park. We swam every night before bed.
While we were on this trip, my body struggled to adapt to the different time zones. Our days were pretty exhausting, so once Graeme was in bed, I would crash. After sleeping only a few hours, I would be wide awake. In the early morning, I would finally fall asleep again, often to be awoken by text messages from Roger, one of our other sons or my sister, who were already up and at work. Those early morning sleeps brought strange visits from both my father and Roger. I remember being embraced by my father, who was once again whole, not the sick, frail man who left us. I remember also waking up feeling the full-blown love I’d had for Roger. That pure love that makes you see only the person’s goodness. Where the hell was THAT coming from? I can only guess that those Rocky Mountains had blown all the channels wide open.
Graeme was missing his father too. By the last day in Vancouver, we were both more than ready to come home. On August 13th, we headed to the Vancouver Airport for our return flight home. We waited a long time to go through security. He had some difficulty going through the scanner on his own. He started quietly vocalizing while I was talking to a security staff about a little folding knife in my purse, that had belonged to my dad, which I had forgotten about. So I had to let them take it from me at security. Such is life. But while I was talking to them, Graeme was saying “dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad..” on and on. I wasn’t really paying attention to him and he became agitated. We still had 35 minutes before our flight would board, so I took him to buy some water and nacho chips, but he didn’t calm down.
Waiting at the gate, he became even more agitated and was still saying “dad, dad, dad, dad…”. I think he was asking to go to his dad that very night, which wasn’t in the plan. He escalated into a meltdown. There were 300 people in the immediate area, watching. I worked with him to try to calm him, but he was slamming his fists onto everything he could reach and kicking at our carry-on bags. I moved him into a corner so he had two walls to hit and wiped him down with an extra t-shirt as he was sweating profusely. A Westjet staff approached and spoke calmly to me. He told me they would do whatever was needed for Graeme – reschedule our flight, give us help at the Toronto airport, arrange a ride. He assured me that he knew I was the best person to know if Graeme could fly right then. I asked them to board us as soon as possible and they did just that. They even asked me if they should wait to board the other passengers or not. Graeme settled into his seat and had a good flight. Two fellow passengers who had witnessed the meltdown in the gate lounge approached us when we landed in Toronto, with words of encouragement and warm wishes.
The next day, Graeme settled in at his dad’s for a 17-day stay. I had some much needed time to recover and recharge. I took a three-day tour of Ottawa with my sister, so we could go back and remember places our family had lived, and remember our father. I had frequent visits with Graeme at Roger’s and one evening he typed onto his iPad a message of appreciation for what we had experienced together on our trip out west.
September always rolls around, doesn’t it? No matter how great or how lousy the summer has been, September comes. I’d had the best summer in DECADES. Truly. I felt ready to do so many things I couldn’t find the energy for previously. I felt a renewed commitment to my job, and to doing it well. Graeme returned to school, used his iPad to ask to be placed in a specific teacher’s class, and was granted that placement. The class is for the highest functioning students in the special education department, and has the lowest amount of support. The one-to-one support we had asked for had not come through but Graeme was determined to make a go of it. His classmates regard with kind curiosity this boy who doesn’t talk but otherwise can do most of what they do, and some things they can’t do. Graeme and his teacher have formed a tight bond already.
So where the heck am I on this map today? One day last week, as I was driving home from work, that deep love for Roger was bubbling up again. And with it, a fully-bloomed realization came: I was so, so wrong for him. BOOM. It made me weep, thinking about the fact that this dear man, who is no more imperfect than most men, had spent 30 years of his life with someone who was just wrong for him.
I want his happiness as much as I want my own. This is good – I used to want his happiness more. I know I can never go back to being a woman who would try, and try, and try to be right for anyone. I want to be right for me now.
I wouldn’t have recognized, two and a half years ago, this place in which I now find myself as a destination on a map.